I subscribe to the Web MD emails for various areas of human health topics such as Men’s Health. And this week’s missive includes coverage of Dr. Robin Smith’s book Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Good Marriages. "Gentle voice notwithstanding, psychologist (and national television personality) Smith pulls no punches and minces no words in her heartfelt caution against the danger in believing "that you don’t need what you do need." Truth is the theme here, and Smith guides listeners in how to recognize it, speak it and make it a part of the marriage." – Publisher Weekly.
So the Web MD coverage lists some the good doctor’s questions in a piece called 25 Questions to Ask before you get Married. (Warning, NSFW.) My first thought was, it would be the rare youngster who knows the answers to all of these questions. Some of them are formulated through years of experience. And what about those people who’s expectations of a mate are so high that there might not be any one person who can meet those standards?
When Suzy and I met we were teenagers. Okay, for those who would ask, she was 15 and I was 17. We were not very experienced in life and certainly not in what we wanted in the future. So we wandered around learning as we went, making some mistakes, but for the most part doing the things we wanted to. Along the way I became a Major in the Army, a Microsoftie, and a hobbyist saxophonist. Suzy became a nurse who specializes in preemie babies, crafts person (creating furniture, wedding dresses, and custom drapes for example) and a hobbyist musician.
We had two kids, traveled the world from Alaska to Germany and beyond. We’ve experienced a chocolate martini, more jazz concerts than you can shake a stick at, and a life of explorations. We’ve performed in theater pit orchestras for shows like ‘A Chorus Line’ and ‘Anything Goes’. We created our own jazz combo, the Dissonance performing for four years now. And we toy with a sax quartet call ‘Professor Gadget’.
And unspoken, as brave as these exploits have been (Have you ever auditioned for a part in semi-pro band, saved a babies’ life, or laid a minefield out in Europe?) the more intimate and private parts of our life match match in intensity and passion.
Would a book telling us how to find and select each other have helped? I don’t think so. We are the sum of our genetics, environment and upbringing. If life isn’t going well for you and this book helps, great. But if you have to be told to pick someone who will respect you, want the same things you want, and take care of you like you are the most important thing in their lives, I’m not sure a book is going to be much help here. If you have selected a mate that is anything less than you deserve and then had to spend a lifetime of ‘making it work’ and possibly deep regret… well, I just can’t relate.
BTW, I’m listening to the soothing vocals by Renee Olstead from her self named CD. It’s a very sultry, nice background music.
