I subscribe to the Web MD emails for various areas of human health topics such as Men’s Health. And this week’s missive includes coverage of Dr. Robin Smith’s book Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Good Marriages. "Gentle voice notwithstanding, psychologist (and national television personality) Smith pulls no punches and minces no words in her heartfelt caution against the danger in believing "that you don’t need what you do need." Truth is the theme here, and Smith guides listeners in how to recognize it, speak it and make it a part of the marriage." – Publisher Weekly.
So the Web MD coverage lists some the good doctor’s questions in a piece called 25 Questions to Ask before you get Married. (Warning, NSFW.) My first thought was, it would be the rare youngster who knows the answers to all of these questions. Some of them are formulated through years of experience. And what about those people who’s expectations of a mate are so high that there might not be any one person who can meet those standards?
When Suzy and I met we were teenagers. Okay, for those who would ask, she was 15 and I was 17. We were not very experienced in life and certainly not in what we wanted in the future. So we wandered around learning as we went, making some mistakes, but for the most part doing the things we wanted to. Along the way I became a Major in the Army, a Microsoftie, and a hobbyist saxophonist. Suzy became a nurse who specializes in preemie babies, crafts person (creating furniture, wedding dresses, and custom drapes for example) and a hobbyist musician.
We had two kids, traveled the world from Alaska to Germany and beyond. We’ve experienced a chocolate martini, more jazz concerts than you can shake a stick at, and a life of explorations. We’ve performed in theater pit orchestras for shows like ‘A Chorus Line’ and ‘Anything Goes’. We created our own jazz combo, the Dissonance performing for four years now. And we toy with a sax quartet call ‘Professor Gadget’.
And unspoken, as brave as these exploits have been (Have you ever auditioned for a part in semi-pro band, saved a babies’ life, or laid a minefield out in Europe?) the more intimate and private parts of our life match match in intensity and passion.
Would a book telling us how to find and select each other have helped? I don’t think so. We are the sum of our genetics, environment and upbringing. If life isn’t going well for you and this book helps, great. But if you have to be told to pick someone who will respect you, want the same things you want, and take care of you like you are the most important thing in their lives, I’m not sure a book is going to be much help here. If you have selected a mate that is anything less than you deserve and then had to spend a lifetime of ‘making it work’ and possibly deep regret… well, I just can’t relate.
BTW, I’m listening to the soothing vocals by Renee Olstead from her self named CD. It’s a very sultry, nice background music.
The Bis Key Chronicles 
A very good post!!
No one will say it better than you did here.
Yup very good post and great help to me!!!
I guess one of the most important thing is take time and not rush..no matter the age.
Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us.
Take care,
Isa
I think the best thing is to toss "opposites attract" Out the window…..
I tend to agree with your assessment of the article. Longevity in a marriage cannot be determined by those questions. The answers are always changing as we grow and mature. Good post Jim.
Darling I agree with you on this whole heartedly, when the chemistry is there so are all the possibilities to come, the things you learn from each other as you grow together what wonderful days lay in store. My husband is 20+ years my senior, we met when my agent sent him to audition for our band. I went from the rehearsal room to the phone immediately telling my agent no guitar players we want a keyboard player. End of discussion, Well needless to say he at least convinced me to give the guy a chance, although my mind was already made up before I heard him play. Ok I was still a very young 19.
Then when I heard him play I almost cried…he was amazing needless to say my two sisters and I had found our replacement. We had only a working relationship to begin with we worked as a team his arrangements were perfect, his playing phenomenal well the rest is history. Oh did I mention he is a retired Corporate Lawyer. Yes he did work besides play and at a very meaningful career at least to him. But his love besides the obvious has always been his guitar. Are there ups and downs in our relationship you bet if I could pick one fault with our relationship it would be his jealousy although it rarely is evident to others only on rare occasion has he vocalized his displeasure to another male but it has left me with a deep sadness at times.
One thing I can tell you from the start is he made me laugh till my tummy hurt, he always smiled and had me smiling so much in fact I lived in smiles, I can not tell you the day it was, nor the moment only that when I fell for him I fell hard it was like nothing I had ever felt before I literally felt butterflies in my tummy when he walked in the room, I still do. Yes we ended up having an affair then married a year or two later. If we needed a book to tell us the who, what the where and the when, why bother for if you took something like that to heart you may just have no heart. I would not have wanted my relationship to start off with a notepad and pen checking as I go. I love the free, wild ride we have had from the start the wildness is still in the mix; I like not knowing what the morrow brings.
By the way, Darling I think your wife is a wonderful woman I appreciate what she does as a nurse she is the most important person to all she attends but especially those precious babies. I think she is extraordinary selfless to think of others, she is an Angel. You two have that deep love too that once in a lifetime I like to call it love. I am very happy that you both have found a love like ours it does make life all the sweeter. Although I am well educated I never really had a career, other than my singing my husband also wished me not to work so I have volunteered my time to many causes.
Although I do love to take care of Steven most of all those surprise romantic dinners, as well as our play dates. I love romance and all the things that romance has to offer. I have been afforded this by not working. I think one thing I love above all things is that I am a woman. I love all the silk and lace and sensual clothing, Lavender bubble baths with rose petals. Who could ask for anything more than the simple pleasures one cannot measure by worth. Oh and concerning auditions for a semi pro band I had my own band and played professional for over ten years. Sir yes sir.lol
Darling you give me food for thought. I appreciate all of you mixed in with the grand things that you post on your space. You are a splendid musician with wonderful taste in music. A rare insight into others that quite frankly is refreshing. I do so love that you sate the mention of Youngsters at the top of your post, I think you are still quite young darling don’t you dare think otherwise, or is it you are comfortable with you and can say that in jest as to the point to ponder I am finally old enough to say that! Darling this has been one of the most insightful, as well as delightful posts.
Kisses and Hugs Catherine
This is a very good read, Jim. I remember when you and Suzy started going together and were so serious. As your Mom, I had concerns. Many people who jump into life early like that, grow apart. But the few that don’t often have the best lives and really true love. I remember talking to you about it, but on he chance it was the special one, I did not want to interfere. You were old enough to make your own decisions. And yours was a very special relationship, and has and will last a long long time. I am proud as can be of both of you, and your family— both human and feline/canine. You are an exceptional writer too. Your proud Mom
Hi there My friend
i hope the meeting will going like a roller ball..
but the fact that ur both music lovers it will work out fine…im sure of that
welli met already on line friends in sri lanka…even invited for a wedding…
and it was awesome So u c my fiend…On line friendshipwill grow as a friendship for life time
lots of music vibes for u
MJ
NSFW stuff? Too bad I’ve got a sleepover going on at the moment… I’d need to er.. catch up on the masses. ;)I hope Renee Olstead releases another disk. I was blown away by this cd of hers and played it until the disk nearly disintegrated. OK… so that’s a small exaggeration.
Howdy Jim,
As you know I don’t usually take time to reply to these as time is prescious. But I thought I’d go to bed later tonight as I took a nice nap today.
Thinking about my past wives, I doubt if I could have found the perfect one at the start. First I wasn’t ready. I was just looking for someone to keep me from feeling lonely. Secondly, I have changed so much over the years, that it is unlikely that anyone could have kept up with me or changed in the same direction.
I definately have no regrets as life is all about learning what life is about. That sounds silly but we know so little about life and our purpose. If you give life a chance it will teach you about itself and there is so much to learn. I feel like I am a kindergardener finding out how much fun school can be.
I am also enjoying being single and friends with others without the ties of wanting to own each other or control each other. Well enough said. If I was writing this another day, I would have said something different. May sunshine and happiness surround you and yours always.
Paz,
Peter
I’d like to think it was that easy to get it right…..I have to say that I think I could count on one hand, well maybe two okay? the marriages that I know that really did work out and where everyone is still happy after all these years…gosh, call me a cynic OK?
I was really hoping to hear the music that you mentioned here but it looks like you don’t have it linked, or have I missed something?
Kerrie
Kerrie, the music is available on facebook, amazon, or pandora depending upon what poison you favor. :o)